About Anxiety

I almost had a panic attack a few nights ago. Anxiety is something that I've dealt with for as long as I can remember, but it was not until about two years ago that I decided to do something about it.

That panic attack came as they all do, unexpectedly, as I was walking down the hallway during my first few weeks of law school. I was in a new environment, learning about entirely new things, and meeting new people. As I was texting with my boyfriend about one thing or another, I felt my heart getting increasingly rapid, my palms sweat, and an intense need to run away. I turned around and walked towards the other side of the building--I needed to sit down and breathe.

I've been with my therapist since. We learned pretty soon that the start of a new school year or period triggers my anxiety, as one of the most traumatic events in my family happened around the same time a few years prior. One of the biggest lessons I've learned about anxiety is that it won't necessarily ever go away; however, I now have the tools to recognize it and focus my thinking in a way that prevents it from becoming a full-blown panic attack. I've learned to be aware of my thoughts and triggers so that I can deal with my feelings before they start stacking up into a tower that's bound to crumble.

My only regret is not going to a therapist sooner. As a kid, I would easily stress about school and my responsibilities. I remember distinctly one night sitting at my home's dining table, sobbing over my geometry book because I just didn't get it--and I always got it. I also remember another incident where my dad was driving me to a Model United Nations competition in high school: we were so early but that's the only time he could drop me off. I slid down the back seat and I cried and yelled at my dad to not leave me there until he finally drove me to where my mom was getting her hair done. I was so fearful of being embarrassed and humiliated.

That's the main feeling that triggers my anxiety: embarrassment and humiliation. As a perfectionist, I take very little risks and don't start anything until I know I can do it without a flaw. Doing things that are out of my comfort zone give me great anxiety because I am afraid of failing and being humiliated in front of my peers or people that I respect. One of the things that have helped me has been to talk it out: saying it out loud and hearing myself recount the story multiple times takes away the power from my fear and gives me more control. I start realizing that what I'm saying does not really make sense. 

The other night, I must have told at least 5 people about what I was feeling. When I went to bed, I was fearful that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep because I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I literally said out loud to myself, "Stop! You can't do anything about it." Surprisingly, the next morning I woke up (still thinking about it, but) after a full and deep sleep.

If you're suffering with mental health issues, you are not alone. These can be as rare as once or chronic. Get help, even if you don't think you need it. Go to Psychology Today to find counselors in your area.

P.S. Image via hernewtribe