About Anxiety

I almost had a panic attack a few nights ago. Anxiety is something that I've dealt with for as long as I can remember, but it was not until about two years ago that I decided to do something about it.

That panic attack came as they all do, unexpectedly, as I was walking down the hallway during my first few weeks of law school. I was in a new environment, learning about entirely new things, and meeting new people. As I was texting with my boyfriend about one thing or another, I felt my heart getting increasingly rapid, my palms sweat, and an intense need to run away. I turned around and walked towards the other side of the building--I needed to sit down and breathe.

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Getting Older

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything here or even wrote something other than a few academic papers; but I've recently realized how much I miss writing. Usually, instead of actually writing, I find myself thinking about it or wishing I would just do the damn thing. For some reason, here I am now--not really promising anything for myself or for others--just trying to get back into it.

I recently (on February 12th) turned 24. Although by no means is 24 considered old, I was overwhelmed by what that age means to me and how I think about where I am in life.  One the one hand I am extremely proud of where I am and where I am going. I've finished my first year and a half of law school, gone through incredible family trauma, surpassed five years in a very stable and healthy relationship, and overall have a better sense of who I am.

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Summer To-Do List

I love summer. It's a time to reset, relax, and discover new hobbies or pick off where you left off. Because I'm going into law school, this is my last long summer before the real grind being. This summer I want to...

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15 Favorite Feelings

The Vlog Brothers posted a video on their 15 Favorite Feelings and then Estee Lalonde did it as well. I've been wanting to do this post for a long time.

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Letter to Myself at 18

Dear Patricia, 18,

Isn't it crazy? You're about to graduate high school. The next four years of your life are going to go even faster. You're the skinniest you've ever been, the most fun you've ever been, and the most excited you've ever been. Right now, you're excited for change--and it's going to be great!

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Sincerely, Us - Vol 1

I'm going to be starting this new series with Andrey called Sincerely, Us where we talk about our relationship and offer advice to you. Just so you know, Andrey is really supportive about this but he is a man of a few words.

1. How have you grown in a long term relationship?

Patricia: I feel like I've grown a lot both individually and as one half of a couple. I think A has been a mirror to me and I've had to face real issues about who I am and what I want, which I think have made me more independent. A is my best friend so he knows me best and I think he compliments me and I compliment him. I've learned how to be selfless, how to compromise, and how to prioritize things that matter.

Andrey: Patricia has brought out qualities in me that I didn't know I had. She has been a great support system and has helped me accept my shortcomings and be proud of my accomplishments.

2. How do you deal with fights?

Patricia: I'm really big on not going to bed without solving a fight. Maybe it's not the best way for everyone to deal with fighting and arguments but I need to know that at the end of the day--literally--we can get through it. I'm trying to be more conscious of my word choices and how I approach a problem so that we can both compromise on a solution. It's not just about what I feel or want or think but how we both can solve something so that we're both happy in a way that is sincere.

Andrey: I like to take a second and pull myself away. When I cool down I'm able to have a fresh, clear head because when you're in the heat of the moment you can say mean and hurtful things to each other. Although I like when P makes me talk about the issues rather than ignore them.

3. What quality do you admire the most in the other person?

Patricia: Andrey is the most selfless person I've ever met. He is such a good and loyal friend and he will do anything for those he cares about. He has a younger sister so I admire how fatherly and protective he is while still being gentle and understanding and fun. I truly admire his selflessness and compassion.

Andrey: I like Patricia's devotion and selflessness in our relationship.

4. What advice would you give other couples?

Patricia: I know everyone says communication is key--and it is true--but I think there's a difference between hearing out what the other has to say and actually understanding it. We both know we don't have to agree with each other but we make a conscious effort to understand the other's perspective. At the end of the day you're two different individuals and will have different ways of approaching things and you just have to understand the other person to the best of your abilities.

Andrey: If you find someone who accepts you for who you are and compliments you the best and satisfies you physically, emotionally, and mentally, then that person is worth keeping.

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Law School

After a lot of thought, introspection, and tough moments, I've decided that next Fall I'm going to be attending Northeastern University School of Law. I'm so happy with what's ahead of me! Thank you for letting me share this part of my journey. 

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To Struggle Happily

There's two loved members in my family who are going to die soon. I put it bluntly because it's a fact of life. What makes me sad is the pain that they are in and that their families are in. These things got me thinking today and I wanted to say a few words.

When people say that they want "to be happy" or "to find love," they use such phrases as if such things were things that happen to you or as objects. You can't have an object called happiness and an object called love--those are states of being, as transcient as being excited or nervous. Happiness and love is something that appears in our paths every day, but we must keep our eyes open in order to grab those opportunities. 

We are always going to be struggling, whether it is economically, personally, professionally...It is important for us to be happy in our struggle. By happy I don't mean complacent. By happy I mean with enough energy to keep going and with enough gratitude to appreciate those moments I just talked about. It's impossible for someone to be happy all the time, so when you're happy in your struggle, you're still able to see those vestiges of magic life throws at us.

I'm not a fan of people saying that 'things happen for a reason.' I believe things happen and we give them reason. It's a choice for us to let tragedies overcome us and disable us. To desire for more is to desire to not give in.

Often, I hear people ask "why does this happen to me?" and I'm guilty of that, as well. However, we often say this when times are bad. When times are good, why don't we ask "why does this happen to me?" Have you thought about that? I think if we learn to think about that a little bit more, we'd be more grateful for those opportunities we have to grow.

I've learned to not give energy to sadness and resentment. It's natural for us to feel like that certain times but it is not normal for us to constantly feed those feelings. It takes too much energy to be sad when you can make a choice to be happy--or at least to not be sad anymore. 

Be stubborn about love--do not let it go. It is one of the purest forms of magic we have in our short lives. 

Be selfish with your happiness--do not let anyone take that away from you.

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You're In Love

Although The Bachelor is not usually the show that brings about insightful conversations, this month of love, watching the show makes me want to ask: How do you know you're in love? As a person in a three year relationship, sometimes it's easy to lose track of what made you fall in love with that person in the first place. This is definitely not a cut-and-dry checklist of feelings to have, but I want to write a little bit about my relationship with A.

I think it's really important to know that being in love with someone does not equal needing someone. A is my best friend--we are our weirdest with each other. He's seen the good, the ugly, and the boring. But I wouldn't want to be or act anyway else. I've heard of different people say that you have to keep certain things for yourself but the reason why A and I are so good for each other is because we have no barriers with each other. I don't need him in my life, but I want him in it forever. Isn't it that much more important when you know you don't need someone to be happy and, despite that, you're still with them because you want to?

You know how people keep saying that you need to 'sleep on' a fight? Maybe spend a few hours away? I'm no expert in relationships and my parents' opinions definitely differ from mine but I know I love A when I try my hardest to make things work. So much so that I wouldn't want anyone else to fight with. I hope this isn't coming across the wrong way--couples have arguments. A and I have had our share of arguments and his initial response is to back away but he's actually told me that he's glad I'm so stubborn about resolving discussions because he knows that it's important for him to communicate his feelings. Typical boy, it's harder for A to express his feelings than it is for me and sometimes, when I feel that's a weakness of mine, he reinforces the idea that being honest is 100% the root of all relationships.

Something that happens when you are in a long term relationship is that you start taking things for granted. A and I spend a lot of time together so when last December we spent a whole month apart--we spent Christmas, his birthday, and New Years apart for the first time since 2012--I realized many things about our relationship. It's so easy to be with A and I truly do miss him when we're apart. We realized that sometimes we get too comfortable just hanging out and we take that for granted and forget to really let each other know how much the other person means to us. Since we've been together throughout this last month, A has really made an effort to make time for special dates and for making me feel spoiled and appreciated. I'm the kind of gal who just likes spending an evening in my PJs with wine and movies, but when A takes me out, it changes the pace and we press a reset button. I take time to really let him know I appreciate this, too.

Everybody says it: Relationships are hard. Maybe I'm too young to know, but I want to think otherwise. My relationship with A is beautifully easy. It's only hard when we're both being stubborn and not communicating. I know there's still a lot that we must go through as a couple and some of those things are scary--graduation, maybe living together, our careers--but I'm confident that we've built a solid base to fall back on.

XO,
Patricia

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New Year's Resolutions & Goals

I'm a little late on declaring my resolutions but I'm really bad at making--and keeping--them. However, I thought this 2016 I might try something different. I have 3 resolutions and 3 goals. They're different, in my opinion. Resolutions are things that you resolve to do--they seem a bit more spiritual to me. Goals, on the other hand, seem a bit more concrete. 

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