Getting Older

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything here or even wrote something other than a few academic papers; but I've recently realized how much I miss writing. Usually, instead of actually writing, I find myself thinking about it or wishing I would just do the damn thing. For some reason, here I am now--not really promising anything for myself or for others--just trying to get back into it.

I recently (on February 12th) turned 24. Although by no means is 24 considered old, I was overwhelmed by what that age means to me and how I think about where I am in life.  One the one hand I am extremely proud of where I am and where I am going. I've finished my first year and a half of law school, gone through incredible family trauma, surpassed five years in a very stable and healthy relationship, and overall have a better sense of who I am.

On the other, I feel extremely young and little in this world. The recent events (too many significant ones to name and pay justice here). I remember being in high school and yearning to be the age I am now--I thought I would be smarter, wiser, confident, and a strong leader. Yet, with each year ticked off, I've come to realize that I will probably never particularly feel 'old enough.' In many ways, I'm clueless about what I want to do with my privilege--the knowledge and power I've acquired through education, the lessons I've learned from my relationship, the confidence I feel in my health--but I also am clueless about every-day, mundane tasks--I'm not sure exactly how to do my taxes, cook a meal without a recipe, clean my apartment properly, make doctor appointments, put together a nice outfit, to name a few. 

All this uncertainty plagues me on an almost daily basis. I don't feel as confident as I think I should and my voice is weakened in professional and personal environments--I feel arrogant and selfish in my decisions half the time and plain dumb the other half; and I give myself a hard time for not getting it right the first time around. Slow progress (including therapy) has helped me ameliorate these feelings, but they're always still present.

At my age, my parents had been married and had just given birth to me. Not too long after, they had given birth to my sister and bought their own home. I know this is a different generation and all, but all the things I want to potentially accomplish by the time I start to build my own family--pay my student loans, travel, get married, buy a house, be secure in my career--feel so far away and out of reach. At the same time, I can see myself having all this (hopefully) within the next 10-15 years and the time feels extremely rushed and short. When do I have time to just figure out me?

Maybe that's the entire point--all these experiences will be the building blocks of a constantly changing and evolving me.

Thanks for reading.

xo